Nobody Likes a Dead Cat

My state of mind … well, it’s not Oregon. Sorry for those of you left here with my mindless body. *nods* I haven’t been able to sleep lately and am tempted to see if any of my friends have sleeping pills. Until I get insurance coverage (about 30 days) I really can’t afford to see my (regular) doctor and get a prescription filled … GAH!

I’m still stressed … quite a bit … but nothing much I can do about it but sit and wait for it to pass. I start my dance classes tomorrow evening. I’m taking a 7pm Mambo and an 8pm Cha Cha class. It should be a bit of a stress reliever.

I had dinner with my best friend and her family tonight and that was enjoyable.
I work until 1:30pm tomorrow and then have to wait for the cable guy to come over and fix my broken internet. A friend jerry-rigged it for me last night to help.
I need a hair cut & color but have to wait on that.
I made some really good sourdough toast tonight.
I want to go pluck my eyebrows.

There’s your update.

(Mad, I could use a couple hundred bucks. Don’t know how to make that quickly … besides working a corner … but I think that’s going to get in the way of my other job!)

I’m stressed out so I’m ignoring my journal. Sorry!

Anyone know how to make some quick money!?!?!

These are the photographs of my new house. It was a mess when I took the pictures and it’s actually really clean now. I had to do something to destress myself yesterday evening.

Today I worked 11 hours. I sewed 11.5′ (yes, FOOT) panels to make custom curtains for the ballrooms. These curtains are custom-made … custom-made by ME. I rock at the sewing machine (straight lines, at least) today. And tomorrow. And probably Thursday and Friday as well. I am exhausted but it was productive and made me feel like I really was doing something.

I’m still in a dark place but am taking the itty-bitty beams of light I can find and stretching them out.

Edited to add: Oh, and I have the SOREST boobs ever tonight. NEVER have my boobs been this sore. SERIOUSLY. They are also more swollen and the biggest I think I’ve ever seen them. EvAr. Double-you tea eff, mate!?!? I wanted PMS on top of everything, I really did. *nods*

*le sigh*

I am doing things quite uncharacteristic of my normal self and I don’t know how I feel about it. I have noticed myself becoming jealous of people, and I’m not normally an envious woman. This makes me wonder. I want to do one thing but find myself doing another. It’s not me. I find myself ignoring phone calls and pretending that they haven’t been bothering me. I have to talk myself into going out and being social and putting on a mask while I’m out. I was a wiz at this mask-game while I was married and miserable. Now I’m single and wearing the mask … pretending that I’m enjoying it all. Well, I don’t think that I am. I am watching the calender and beginning to realize why this is happening, though.

I am four days away from the could-have-been 4-year-anniversary of my marriage. That makes me want to curl up in a ball and shut myself off from the world. Then, to top that all off July 11th will be the one-year anniversary of TheEx suddenly leaving me. I am NOT looking forward to dealing with all of this. I am re-reading entries in my journal that I wrote the week that he let me and I’m crying again. I’m not ready for this to be a year old. I’m not ready.

I’m stealing internet from a neighbor. I have survived two nights alone in my new house and already love it. I live in the land of cardboard boxes right now, but seem to be making progress. Tomorrow my own internet comes (and hopefully it’ll come with a hot internet hooker upper guy, too) and I’ll have a telephone and cable TV then, too. For now I live with fuzzy TV and stolen internet.

I went on a date tonight. The guy, Mr.R was very kind, quite a gentleman, bought me my dinner (butternut squash ravioli in a warm balsamic raspberry sauce) and my beer and he was funny. He is a former Marine corpsman and I think, that if he calls me, I will go out with him again. Maybe this dating thing won’t turn out to be so bad.

Work is still going well … I programmed phones and impressed one of my bosses today … so that was good. It may be two weeks, though, before I start in on my “regular” (7am-3:30pm) hours. That’s okay for now. I will survive.

My entire body hurts from moving and then from a Pirate Pub Crawl (there are pictures, but the camera is with MissBuckeye still) on Saturday night. Gay men can sure dance … I heart gay men. : )

What else? Not much else is going on … just kinda settling in to a new routine in my new house with my new life. It is proving to be new and exciting! *mwah*

I hate when I finally figure out what I want, and then realize that I can’t have it. It’s taken me a year to realize it … and now that I’ve accepted it, I have learned that I probably won’t get it, and so now I’m stuck again.

I will concentrate on the positive.
+ I pick up my keys at 7:30pm on Friday night.
+ I move into my own place on Saturday.
+ I will be living alone and all on my own as of Sunday.
+ I have a wonderful job.
+ I have some wonderful friends.
+ I start school (fully funded) in September.

If I can’t get what I wanted this way, I’ll absolutely find another way to get it. Plan A may not work, but this Girl Scout always has a Plan B.

I am stressed out today. I think I shall make a list.

+ I start working full-time again tomorrow (10am-6pm Wed & Friday, 10am-4pm on Thursday)
- I still haven’t found a place to live/move to
- I am more than broke … I just checked out my bank account and made a huge mistake in my checkbook so now I’m in the hole … and that has me wanting to cry … so yeah … ya’ll should visit some of the many posts of my two paying blogs. Click on some links and help me earn some money.
- I haven’t started packing since I don’t know where I’m moving
+ Seeing Mr.Cee this weekend was great
++ I also spent a couple of hours with Mr.E. last night. Mr.Cee and he met and they got along
- My body has begun to hurt since I’ve been so stressed out
— I really just want to give up but I know I can’t

edited at 7pm to add
I took pictures of all my stamps, my Nikon camera and my Tamrac camera back and listed them on CraigsList to see if I can sell them. I then also listed 14 books on BookMooch to feel more productive. I’m doing a bit better by actually being productive. Maybe I’ll take a box upstairs in a bit and pack some stuff into it just to feel even MORE productive.

What do you tell and when do you disclose it? Are you patient, waiting for pre-acceptance, or do you spill all immediately in hopes of pushing away before you can be hurt? With each little piece of me I allow him to see, the puzzle becomes more and more whole. Most of the center pieces still hide under the mess in the box, but he is sorting the pieces out at his own pace. A corner piece here, a bright yellow frog there. The things that stick out, that are easy to find are out there already. The pieces that look alike but fit on different sides of the table will confuse him - or maybe he’ll get lucky and fit them together correctly on the first try.

and older (12/10)
alone
lonely
scared with no one to talk to
panic sets in
panic that I’m manic
fear that the restlessness
the agitation
the racing brain
the tears
won’t ever stop
rocking back and forth comforts me
does this make me crazy?
my body is exhausted, 4 hours of sleep … in 25 hours
my mind, however, races
races without clarity
goalless and frantic

I miss him. I will not call though. I will not text. I will not bother.

denial anger bargain
ing depression accept
ance denialangerbargain
ingdepressionacceptance

the rocking
strong capable woman
do strong capable women have moments of such intense panic and ear that they sit, drenched in tears, rocking, in a strangers bed?

I rock a little more now. I can hear my sweatshirt scrape the bedspread when I don’t write.

anger
denial
bargaining
depression
acceptance

I do not miss him. I miss the comfort of him. I miss the love from him.

cannot sleep
rocking
wanting to pace the brightly lit aisles at Target to be drunk on the colors of laundry soap boxes

My back tenses - coiled - waiting like a snake. My brain rushes, water swirling counter-clockwise down the drain of my neck to nowhere.

Where to find calm? What slows this down? What mellows me out? Where do I go from here?

The rocking has ceased.
Spelling, punctuation, penmanship have fallen down. Does it matter?
Barren, these pages are barren.
White, clean, new, uncluttered; the antithesis of my brain.

Projection.
Rejection.

I breathed him.
I lost my breath.
Under water
under pressure
and I have no oxygen

Your absense has gone through me like a thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with it’s color. Seperation

My ears buzz…I feel the sound of blood pumping through them. I have decided whether it’s annoying or comforting.

How about that LOST finale? Kicked ass, ‘eh? I LOVED it. LOVED. IT.

Moving on to scarier things.

I’m almost 25 (as of next Tuesday), divorced and unemployed.
Granted I’m going back to school in September but I feel worthless.
Honestly, it’s that sad and scary to me.
I feel like I have nothing going for me right now.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.
I have been taking my medication like I should be, but I’m still feeling like a lump of ass.
I have lost all motivation to do anything.
It takes me forever to shower, if I even do so.
I just don’t care anymore.
I hate not caring.
I hate who I’m becoming.
I don’t know how to stop turning into this thing.
I feel stuck.
Stuck in asstastic lumpishness.
Even making lists isn’t working for me … I ignore them.
I never used to ignore my lists … and it makes me want to cry thinking about the fact that I’m ignoring lists now.

Help?

a list to ignore
Thursday
email H (PR) back
call C (PR) to schedule meeting
email SonE thank you note (don’t think the other one got to her)
call Dr. Morrisse … hope dental cleaning before Thursday - get my teeth cleaned on my birthday, whee! fun!

Friday
1pm - interview with law firm
5pm - meet J (potential roommate … PR)
6pm - possible date with Mr.E.

Saturday
1pm - meet C and N (PRs)
out in the evening with MissBean and Mr.E.

Sunday

Monday
11am - meet with K (PR)
dinner with parents

Tuesday
3pm - teeth cleaning
dinner at Rogue for free beer

Would you mind taking a survey for me? Please take my Blog Reader Project survey. Please?

I woke up at the ass crack of dawn spewing forth Tropical Dots and butter pretzels into the white porcelin bowl of the bathroom. It was not pleasant and I feel like ass now. (Do you know how ass feels? Reach back there and feel yours … I probably feel worse that whatever you’re feeling.) I had to call my mom (since I didn’t have my dad’s cell phone number) at 7am and tell her; “mama, I’ve been barfin’” where she promptly told me my dad’s cell phone number. In a migraine drug haze (”those four numbers don’t make sense, mom” ) I asked her to call him. It’s no wonder I don’t have a job. This depresses me. Seriously.

I’m almost 25 (as of next Tuesday), divorced and unemployed. Granted I’m going back to school in September but I feel worthless. Honestly, it’s that sad and scary to me. I feel like I have nothing going for me right now. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I have been taking my medication like I should be, but I’m still feeling like a lump of ass. I have lost all motivation to do anything. It takes me forever to shower, if I even do so. I just don’t care anymore. I hate not caring. I hate who I’m becoming. I don’t know how to stop turning into this thing. I feel stuck. Stuck in asstastic lumpishness. Even making lists isn’t working for me … I ignore them. I never used to ignore my lists … and it makes me want to cry thinking about the fact that I’m ignoring lists now. Help?