Nobody Likes a Dead Cat

Why is it that the only day I call in sick with a migraine from hell:
a) my SheBoss leaves her cell phone on my desk and I have to leave a voicemail (which confuses the HeBoss) that she doesn’t get,
b) a construction crew starts work on the huge apartment complex immediately behind my bedroom window and I can’t sleep through it?
Seriously; Murphy … you and your laws suck ass.
HeBoss called to wonder where I was and I had to re-explain why I’m not in at my desk slaving away right now. I felt bad, but he wasn’t upset, just confused. I took Friday off and so missing Wednesday AND Friday will stress me out a bit. Unfortunately I’m missing dance class tonight … so maybe I can get one of the dancers to teach me the first class’ worth before next week. Maybe. If not oh well. *shrug*

I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend last night. It was an ex from when >TheEx and I took our one-year break in college. He was two years younger than me (and I was a Freshman in college!) and needless to say, it didn’t last. But yeah, it was a weird dream. I woke up and wanted it to continue. LOL Strangeness.

I must return to vegetation in my chair while I watch the last episode of Wonderfalls while scratching my 10-day-old peeling sunburn and then I think I’ll watch Under the Tuscan Sun and it will make me cry.

Edited to add: I called The Oregon Gymnastics Academy about their part-time (3:3o-9pm Mon, 9am-3:30pm Sat & Sun) customer service position and have an interview next Monday at 4pm. I’m excited about it, the woman I spoke with sounded very peppy and gymnastic-y. : )

My state of mind … well, it’s not Oregon. Sorry for those of you left here with my mindless body. *nods* I haven’t been able to sleep lately and am tempted to see if any of my friends have sleeping pills. Until I get insurance coverage (about 30 days) I really can’t afford to see my (regular) doctor and get a prescription filled … GAH!

I’m still stressed … quite a bit … but nothing much I can do about it but sit and wait for it to pass. I start my dance classes tomorrow evening. I’m taking a 7pm Mambo and an 8pm Cha Cha class. It should be a bit of a stress reliever.

I had dinner with my best friend and her family tonight and that was enjoyable.
I work until 1:30pm tomorrow and then have to wait for the cable guy to come over and fix my broken internet. A friend jerry-rigged it for me last night to help.
I need a hair cut & color but have to wait on that.
I made some really good sourdough toast tonight.
I want to go pluck my eyebrows.

There’s your update.

(Mad, I could use a couple hundred bucks. Don’t know how to make that quickly … besides working a corner … but I think that’s going to get in the way of my other job!)

I’m stressed out so I’m ignoring my journal. Sorry!

Anyone know how to make some quick money!?!?!

I hate when I finally figure out what I want, and then realize that I can’t have it. It’s taken me a year to realize it … and now that I’ve accepted it, I have learned that I probably won’t get it, and so now I’m stuck again.

I will concentrate on the positive.
+ I pick up my keys at 7:30pm on Friday night.
+ I move into my own place on Saturday.
+ I will be living alone and all on my own as of Sunday.
+ I have a wonderful job.
+ I have some wonderful friends.
+ I start school (fully funded) in September.

If I can’t get what I wanted this way, I’ll absolutely find another way to get it. Plan A may not work, but this Girl Scout always has a Plan B.

What do you tell and when do you disclose it? Are you patient, waiting for pre-acceptance, or do you spill all immediately in hopes of pushing away before you can be hurt? With each little piece of me I allow him to see, the puzzle becomes more and more whole. Most of the center pieces still hide under the mess in the box, but he is sorting the pieces out at his own pace. A corner piece here, a bright yellow frog there. The things that stick out, that are easy to find are out there already. The pieces that look alike but fit on different sides of the table will confuse him - or maybe he’ll get lucky and fit them together correctly on the first try.

and older (12/10)
alone
lonely
scared with no one to talk to
panic sets in
panic that I’m manic
fear that the restlessness
the agitation
the racing brain
the tears
won’t ever stop
rocking back and forth comforts me
does this make me crazy?
my body is exhausted, 4 hours of sleep … in 25 hours
my mind, however, races
races without clarity
goalless and frantic

I miss him. I will not call though. I will not text. I will not bother.

denial anger bargain
ing depression accept
ance denialangerbargain
ingdepressionacceptance

the rocking
strong capable woman
do strong capable women have moments of such intense panic and ear that they sit, drenched in tears, rocking, in a strangers bed?

I rock a little more now. I can hear my sweatshirt scrape the bedspread when I don’t write.

anger
denial
bargaining
depression
acceptance

I do not miss him. I miss the comfort of him. I miss the love from him.

cannot sleep
rocking
wanting to pace the brightly lit aisles at Target to be drunk on the colors of laundry soap boxes

My back tenses - coiled - waiting like a snake. My brain rushes, water swirling counter-clockwise down the drain of my neck to nowhere.

Where to find calm? What slows this down? What mellows me out? Where do I go from here?

The rocking has ceased.
Spelling, punctuation, penmanship have fallen down. Does it matter?
Barren, these pages are barren.
White, clean, new, uncluttered; the antithesis of my brain.

Projection.
Rejection.

I breathed him.
I lost my breath.
Under water
under pressure
and I have no oxygen

Your absense has gone through me like a thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with it’s color. Seperation

My ears buzz…I feel the sound of blood pumping through them. I have decided whether it’s annoying or comforting.

How about that LOST finale? Kicked ass, ‘eh? I LOVED it. LOVED. IT.

Moving on to scarier things.

I’m almost 25 (as of next Tuesday), divorced and unemployed.
Granted I’m going back to school in September but I feel worthless.
Honestly, it’s that sad and scary to me.
I feel like I have nothing going for me right now.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.
I have been taking my medication like I should be, but I’m still feeling like a lump of ass.
I have lost all motivation to do anything.
It takes me forever to shower, if I even do so.
I just don’t care anymore.
I hate not caring.
I hate who I’m becoming.
I don’t know how to stop turning into this thing.
I feel stuck.
Stuck in asstastic lumpishness.
Even making lists isn’t working for me … I ignore them.
I never used to ignore my lists … and it makes me want to cry thinking about the fact that I’m ignoring lists now.

Help?

a list to ignore
Thursday
email H (PR) back
call C (PR) to schedule meeting
email SonE thank you note (don’t think the other one got to her)
call Dr. Morrisse … hope dental cleaning before Thursday - get my teeth cleaned on my birthday, whee! fun!

Friday
1pm - interview with law firm
5pm - meet J (potential roommate … PR)
6pm - possible date with Mr.E.

Saturday
1pm - meet C and N (PRs)
out in the evening with MissBean and Mr.E.

Sunday

Monday
11am - meet with K (PR)
dinner with parents

Tuesday
3pm - teeth cleaning
dinner at Rogue for free beer

Would you mind taking a survey for me? Please take my Blog Reader Project survey. Please?

I woke up at the ass crack of dawn spewing forth Tropical Dots and butter pretzels into the white porcelin bowl of the bathroom. It was not pleasant and I feel like ass now. (Do you know how ass feels? Reach back there and feel yours … I probably feel worse that whatever you’re feeling.) I had to call my mom (since I didn’t have my dad’s cell phone number) at 7am and tell her; “mama, I’ve been barfin’” where she promptly told me my dad’s cell phone number. In a migraine drug haze (”those four numbers don’t make sense, mom” ) I asked her to call him. It’s no wonder I don’t have a job. This depresses me. Seriously.

I’m almost 25 (as of next Tuesday), divorced and unemployed. Granted I’m going back to school in September but I feel worthless. Honestly, it’s that sad and scary to me. I feel like I have nothing going for me right now. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I have been taking my medication like I should be, but I’m still feeling like a lump of ass. I have lost all motivation to do anything. It takes me forever to shower, if I even do so. I just don’t care anymore. I hate not caring. I hate who I’m becoming. I don’t know how to stop turning into this thing. I feel stuck. Stuck in asstastic lumpishness. Even making lists isn’t working for me … I ignore them. I never used to ignore my lists … and it makes me want to cry thinking about the fact that I’m ignoring lists now. Help?

The good news: The outtakes from the Will Ferrell landlord video have been released. They are just as hilarious as the actual video.

The bad news: MisPea wants to move … out on her own. Without me. So, now I’m jobless and in 30 days I’ll be apartmentless, too. I’m not a happy camper today, but I am going to respect her decision and the realization that we’ve grown apart in the past few weeks and it’s natural for that to happen. I am going to try to find a place on my own (I have no pots & pans … what am I going to cook in? I have no wireless router … how am I going to update my blogs?) so hopefully that goes smoothly. I’m worried though.

I think I’m going to sell my sewing machine (since I never use it), my hope chest (since it means nothing to me) and my Nikon SLR (since I have my Canon digital now) in order to help me out here. Sometimes life just sucks like this.

I did have a nice weekend before today though. I am going to do a Shuffle Pod Sunday post after I eat some dinner (baked red potatoes) and then I’ll write about my fun parts! (whoa, wait, I’m not writing about those fun parts … just the fun parts of my weekend!)

Well, Mr.E. wins the date of the week award. : ) He is never boring to me and we had a great time last night. I showed up at his house and he answered the door in his underwear (and he looks good in his underwear, so that was a nice welcome). After he got dressed we went down to NW 23rd and had pizza and a beer at a little place off the main drag. We had good conversation (about growing up) and then we walked about 10 blocks West and then 10 blogs East to spend some time outside (it was overcast, but still nice to walk in) and we talked the entire way. We debated getting another pizza before nixing that idea and talking about childhood television shows we watched (and the strange names that we called them rather than their real names) all the way home.

Mr.E. actually had to stop at the grocery store for lunch foods and so he dragged me grocery shopping with him … where he proceeded to buy mayonnaise, lunch meat and eggs … but it took us 15 minutes to do this. I hate grocery shopping and I hate mayo so it was a hysterical discussion about how gross mayo (and pickles) are to me. After the grocery store we went back to his house and spent the next two hours laughing through Hellboy and then through the Gerald McBoing-Boing cartoons. I’d buy the movie just to have those cartoons!

Things in the physicality department are, once again, hot between us. I was pleasantly surprised when I got butterflies again when there was physical contact. That sounds silly, and it’s weird for me to be writing about it, but we’re all friends here … and it happens. LOL I stayed the night with him (but things were only rated PG-13) and we talked until we were both too tired to talk. We fell asleep holding hands … which I am a complete sucker for. *le sigh* TWIT.erpated.

He was equally affectionate when we got up this morning (SIX THIRTY!) and we had more conversation about mayo while he was making his lunch. It was amusing and made me feel good … and I thought I was going to have a great day … it started out that way!

I came home, put on my running clothes (!!!!!) and went out for a short-ish run. I only made it about 4 miles before my new shoes started rubbing my foot funny and I knew I’d develop a blister, so I came back home. MissPea was (strangely) still sleeping and so I did some stretching and then surfed the internet a bit. I learned, on accident, who the X is dating and things went downhill quickly from there. I ended up getting in bed, bawling for a while and then falling asleep. I was supposed to go see Mama and BabyDee this early afternoon, but I was so upset even when I woke up (again) that I called her, whined to her about my situation (another reason I love my best friend … she has a week-old baby and she’ll still listen to me whine about my emotional problems!) and then we rescheduled for tomorrow.

Tonight MissBuckeye is coming over to watch Grey’s Anatomy with me since MissPea is picking up her brother (he is done with school and heading home to Alaska on Saturday) and I don’t like to watch it alone. I figure I’ll bawl (again) and can see Buckeye before we plan for our weekend.

So, I’ve recruited some new visitors thanks to them searching for the Orbit gum commercial that I wrote about a few entries back! Well guess what guys, I found the video online!!!! Now when people look for the raspberry mint (which is tasty, btw) commercial, they may get pointed here! To the two of you who found me by that original search, this vid’s for you!

For the rest of you, I tell you (AGAIN!) to go watch Will Ferrell meets his landlord! The “outtakes” of Pearl have even been released and are as equally as funny if you’re interested.

My date last night was. Yes, it just was. The guy is smart, he is kind, he bought dinner (and my margarita) but all he talked about was his job! I got bored pretty quickly and drank my margarita a little quicker than normal because I thought that would make him more entertaining. Sadly, it didnt. : ( No, really. We rented Little Miss Sunshine since he hadn’t seen it, and while we had some great laughs (I laughed so hard I cried, again), he was pretty boring. If he calls again I may give him another chance, but really, it wasn’t that fun. I’m seeing Mr.E. tonight … we’re going to have dinner and spend some time outside since it’s been so nice in Portland lately. (Did ya’ll know I live in Portland? ;)) I’m looking forward to seeing him … last time we were together there was quite a steamy kiss involved … I got BUTTERFLIES people … after I write about getting over him and being done things get spicy. I dunno! Dating is lame!

Tomorrow night MissBuckeye and I are having dinner and then we’re coming back to MY house (we always go to her house!) to watch the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. I’m excited to hang out with her. Her parents have been in town for about a week now so she’s been entertaining them. MissBee is in Ohio visiting her family and so Buckeye and I are on our own to entertain ourselves. I’m sure we can handle it. (This weekend we’re going to an art walk where I will stealthily meet Mr.E.’s mom who is IN the art walk. bwahahahah)

I need to start working out again. I haven’t been doing what I need to in order to lose some weight. Mal, I’d love to work out with you. Which Y do you work out at? Free is always great … so a free pass to check it out could be fun! I don’t think that’d be stalker-ish at all and it could turn into great motivation for the both of us! Let me know; you know where to find me! (not so) Mad, I don’t need to lose a lot of weight, but I do have some pants that aren’t fitting comfortably. I stopped running and gained about 10 or 15 pounds and so that’s all I’d ultimately like to lose. Thank you for the compliment. : )

MissPea made coffee this morning and I think, after drinking a cup of it, I now have hair on my chest. I don’t think that’ll be attractive for my date this evening, must remember to plug in my electric razor. ; )

Oh, and I figured out how I’m going to respond to comments … I’m going to address them IN the comments section in groups as they show up. I’ll talk back to you there, so if you ask me a question, I’ll write to you in a comment … but I don’t think that YOU can see the comments as I reply so if you really want to see my response, you’ll have to check the comments section.

loves to you all