Nobody Likes a Dead Cat

Thirteen Things about MizGee Thirteen Favorite Foods (only in the order that they came to mind, not preference) 1. tomatoes - big huge beefsteak tomatoes, little itty-bitty cherry tomatoes, in-between romas, the purple and orange heirlooms, I love them all. (I do not, however, like tomato based soups/sauces/etc.) 2. asparagus - grilled, not boiled, please … with a little bit of olive oil and I’m yours … and my pee never smells funny afterwards! 3. black olives - my cousin Nick & I exchange a can of black olives with one another each Christmas since we used to fight over who got the last olive at dinner! 4. French fries - I especially love the cross-cut fries and those with the skin left on … sometimes I’ll even use ketchup on them, but normally mustard. Speaking of … 5. mustard - I’ve NEVER met a mustard I didn’t like. I try mustard where ever I go to eat. Most of the time it’s plain ‘ol French’s, and I can use that, but I love fancy mustard! 6. cheese - the stronger, the better. The only cheese I’ve tried and not liked has been pepperjack cheese … which my friends think is insane, but I like PURE cheese! 7. bacon - I like bacon as more than a friend. The thicker the slices, the better. Mmmm, bacon. 8. bean soup - I could live off of bean soup, especially if my grandfather makes it. My aunt teases him now when he makes it “I’m telling MizGee that you’re making soup without her!” becuase I’m so in love with his soup! 9. sourdough bread - people who don’t like sourdough bread confuse me … seriously, how can you NOT like this stuff? The tang, the soft insides, the hard crust, oh, sourdough how I love thee. 10. pulled pork - I’m not a huge BBQ sauce fan, but if you take apart some pork, slather it in BBQ sauce and then smoosh it between a hamburger bun, I’m there with bells on ready to eat! 11. sour candies - sour Jelly Belly’s, Sour Patch Kids, sour gummy worms, sour gummy bears, Sour Straws, I love ‘em all. I am a fan of citric acid, apparently! 12. mashed potatoes - I like the real kind, I like the instant kind, I like them plain, I like them loaded, I like mashed potatoes. 13. raspberries - growing up I was the little kid who would pick one and eat two. My gramma used to pay me NOT to eat the raspberries when she’d send me out to pick them. This is probably one of the only fruits I can say that I love! Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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First (and this has been edited to add), Mad’s haiku today really hits home.

So, I haven’t written about my birthday weekend yet, have I? : ) Who wants to know more? *points at you* Okay, I’ll tell you.

Friday
+ was supposed to have a date with Mr.E.
- he had to cancel it since he was running really late
- & + I hung out by myself watching TV

Saturday
+ BBQ was fun, we played Kings in the park with penis cards
- MissBean’s allergies bothered her so badly we had to go home early
+ We decided to rent a movie before going out
- We watched The Holiday
+ MamaCeeta came out and we drank wine straight from the bottle together
+ Blood orange margaritas at the Brazen Bean
+ I wore the Happy Birthday tiara all night long
+ I got to get drunk
- I drank a lot of water and Gatorade all night long (I had to pee sooooo much!)

Sunday
+ I woke up at 8am wide awake and feeling great (water & Gatorade helped!)
- Everyone else was hungover and there was much barfing going on
- MissBean was so sick she couldn’t go to the beach with us
+ Mr.E. and I went to the beach alone.
+ We walked on the beach for almost 2 hours being silly together (and I took lots of pictures)
- We saw a dead sea lion on the beach : (
+ He snuck a kiss (in public!) on the beach
+ Tried a new beer
+ Watched Get Shorty and laughed
+++++ Sex.
+ Best night’s sleep in weeks!

Monday
+ Slept in
+ Read in bed
- Traffic on the way home
+ Had to go home
- Rushed once home to meet GeeParents
+ had a great martini, dinner, and cheesecake with my parents
+ good, funny, conversation
- had to send them home
+ went to bed early after a relaxing evening

Tuesday
+ MY BIRTHDAY!
- woke up early
+ putzed for most of the morning
- had my teeth cleaned at the dentist
+ met up with MissBean, MissBuckeye and MrJay for happy hour drinks and food
+ went to the Rogue Brewery for my free yard of beer
- wasn’t a member of the club to get a free beer
+ MissBuckeye bought me a yard of beer instead
+ went over to OnDeck to have some food and another beer
+ Mr.E. finally met up with us for a beer
+ went home with Mr.E.
- stayed up until 3:30am watching a movie

I had the most amazing time with Mr.E. at the beach. I will write about that in a bit, I want this post to be here, too, though.

Today I turn 25. At 1:50pm, 25 years ago, my mom (naturally) gave birth to me. Kinda scary to think about. Anyway, happy birthday to me … I’m officially 1/2-way to fifty.

My parents drove up to take me to dinner (and give me boxes and tape and a present!) and mom asked me at one point if I felt old … and I don’t, but I feel weird. “I’m 25 and divorced.” Neither of my parents had much to say about that … I think it made them uncomfortable, but we moved on shortly thereafter. This morning I woke up early and spent a little while thinking about the things that I’ve done in the past 25 years that have made me incredibly proud; I don’t have much material on my mind for REAL mental and emotional health, but concentrating on my OWN mental and emotional health, I thought I’d list some of the things I’m more proud of from the past 25 years.

~I learned to read at an exceptionally early age. I was barely 4 when I read books aloud to strangers. My dad took me to jobsites with him and I impressed teachers by “reading” to them. They assumed that I was going to make up the stories and then I actually read the book to them. I read all the time still; I love to read.

~I wrote a story that was published when I was in 3rd grade. It was a HORRIBLE story about a horse who had trouble walking. I named the horse Sarah. Psychologically there is probably something strange about that. “Readers dream, dreamers write.” I both dream and write … this is a pretty cool thing to me.

~I joined the Talented and Gifted program in 4th grade. I was a smart kid. I still feel like a smart kid most days. (I stayed in TAG until they disbanded it in 8th grade.)

~I started my own business in the 6th grade, selling and teaching about owl pellets. My friend Brandi and I made good money doing this. We collected the owl pellets from her grandpa’s barn, sold them for a dollar a piece (school science catalogs sold them for $4 a piece) and our elementary school principal drove us to other schools to give presentations and teach younger kids about owls and mice. It’s gross, but we made money and teachers thought we were super-cool.

~In 8th grade, I was the top English student in my “neighborhood.” Our grade was split into two neighborhoods (I was in the gold one, and the other was the blue one) and I got to be the top English student. I got a pretty plaque and my parents were invited to a ceremony and I won an award and all that stuff. I still have the plaque and am STILL proud of this.

~In 10th grade I was accepted into the GAPP (German-American Partnership Program) by my high school German teacher. My family hosted an exchange student (Britta) and then six months later I spent 5 weeks in Germany. I loved this time and learned much about myself. I was 16 (my gosh, this doesn’t feel like it was a DECADE ago!) and had an amazing time!

~I graduated high school. I was in the top 10.15%. I was ONE person off of being in the top 10% of my graduating class and actually felt awful having to sit with the “regular” people. That sounds horribly pretentious, but all my friends were in the first row … and I was way back with the H’s. : ( I survived and I know that it was only a numbers game, but still. I graduated high school!

~I got accepted to the only college I applied to; Oregon State University. Looking back I feel DUMB for only applying to ONE school since I was such a good student in high school (and very, very active!). Who knows where I could have gone if I had decided to be brave and GO somewhere!

~In college I was continually on the Dean’s List and honor roll. I was invited to join honor societies (and I think I joined one … LOL … I can’t really remember) even though I barely passed Chemistry. I got one B in my major (German) in four years and am incredibly proud of such a high college major GPA.

~After my divorce, I have survived and THRIVED. I am a happy, strong, capable woman, and I have learned more about myself in the past 11 months than I had in the previous 11 years. I am incredibly proud of myself for these things.

So, yeah, I’ve done plenty of things to be proud of in the past 25 years. I have no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing … otherwise I wouldn’t be who I am. As a birthday present to me; leave me a comment and tell me why you’re proud of yourself!

“Embrace Change” - Gemini Daily Horoscope

Your concern over your economic situation could make you feel less secure about yourself today, which might be because you have put such store in the tangible things in your life. Recognizing that everything is impermanent may be a way for you to see your life in a different way. Should you notice a feeling of lack or need arise at any time during the day, you can look around you and imagine what things will look like in the next 10 years. You might imagine, for example, that everything you have today has changed, aged, or matured in some way. As you picture this, breath into the feeling and let your fears go. The ability to see that change is a natural and essential part of life might help you feel much safer, knowing that in spite of your attempts to hold onto things as they are, they will organically alter in some way.

Change is the only thing in our lives that is constant. Although this may seem contradictory, unless we realize that things in our lives will ebb and flow we will never feel completely safe in our existence. Rather than seeing everything through the lens of fear, however, we can embrace change and see that endless possibilities await us. Once you appreciate the nature of change today, you gain greater confidence in yourself and will be able to open up to the wonderful surprises that will come your way.

rarely do I read my entire horoscope … but today I did … and am thankful that I did.

Last night was heaps & piles of fun (and the birthday girl is the only one not feeling like ass today because she drank just as much water and gatorade as she did beer and cocktails) and Mr.E. is home getting ready to go to beach while I pretend that I’m doing the same. We are leaving in a couple of hours and then we’ll be back tomorrow! Yay for the ocean!

I took a few pictures (actually with both cameras) yesterday and will be uploading those soon, I’ll link ya’ll to ‘em when they’re up! here are some from the park … beware, wine and penis cards involved may not be safe for small children … but there is a little picture of Mr.E. in this batch!

I woke up this morning in a great mood. Why? you ask … well, let me tell you!

1. I heard from Son.E last night. The dance studio wants me to work for them!!!!!!! Son.E wanted to confirm the schedule I’d be willing to work (I am willing to work any day of the week and am flexible on hours. I would ultimately like to work Monday through Friday (or Tuesday through Saturday) from 7am until 3:30pm with a 1/2 an hour lunch somewhere in there. I prefer the mornings for working and would like to work consecutive days just to keep myself in a schedule.) and that I’d actually accept the job if officially offered. Of course I said yes. I expect to hear back from her in the next few days with the shedule (if everything meshes) and I’m THRILLED about that.

2. Today is my birthday BBQ. My MissBean called me yesterday morning to tell me that she was planning a BBQ, a pub crawl, a visit to the classiest strip club in Portland and then a birthday breakfast at our favorite northwest Portland resturant at 2am. I was ecstatic … I didn’t think anyone was going to do anything for my birthday, and I was okay with that, actually. But this is thrilling to me! Yay! So today I shall be hanging out with my friends and creating mayhem all. day. long. I will take pictures. *nods*

3. Tomorrow Mr.E. is taking me to the beach!!! I am SUPER-excited about that. I am going to take my camera (I love links!) and take heaps & tons of photographs with it. Anyway, Mr.E.’s parents have a beach house that we’re going to stay in (he reserved the house for the entire weekend … which makes me think he did it purposefully for my birthday … *swoon*). I love the beach. I haven’t been in a year. I adore playing on the rocks, building things with the sand, and just being 8-years-old all over again. Yippee for hanging out with the guy I really like. *blushes*

4. My birthday is on Tuesday. I will be 25. I have done a lot of shit in 25 years. I am proud of who I am at 25-years-old. I think I will wait to expound on this number until a later date (perhaps my birthday itself?).

5. Next weekend I am going to the beach AGAIN! This trip has me even more excited than this weekend’s trip. Where do I even start with this story? Let’s make it short KC and I met in 7th grade and we dated in 8th grade. In 9th grade he came out and in 10th grade he moved to Toledo, OR to finish school. I saw him in 2000 before he moved away to college. Then he moved to New York City … where he contracted HIV through IV drug use (don’t do drugs!). His husband moved him to London to get clean and they divorced 2 years later. KC moved back to New York City where he (and his pup Gage) have lived for the past 3 years. KC is coming home for his parent’s surprise 25th-anniversary party and I get to go with him! I get to see my KC and I get to spend ALL WEEKEND with my first love ever. I am SO insanely excited about this and I seriously am BOUNCING when I talk to him about it. I get to see his sister Dee and meet her man, and see his parents, and his grandparents, and I haven’t seen them in SEVEN YEARS! aaaaaahhhhh! (that is me being absolutely totally insanely excited, btw!)

6. I made an amazing pot of coffee this morning. I don’t know what came over me, but I was wide awake at 7:30am and then got out of bed around 8:30am … and made the most amazing pot of coffee evAr. I love it. Huge mug + two Splendas + quarter cup of 1% milk = fantabulous cup of wake-up-juice! Mmm mmm good; anyone want some, I have extra I probably shouldn’t drink. LOL

7. MissZoot: 1. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!! 2. Are we ever going to be able to use Technorati tags in our blogs? 3. Yay for babies!!!! *grins*

8. I need some new music. Anyone want to send me a mixed CD with their favorite stuff on it? I’ll give you my address and make you a mixed CD in return! Let’s do a mixed CD exchange!!!

I just need super cool links like these!

What do you tell and when do you disclose it? Are you patient, waiting for pre-acceptance, or do you spill all immediately in hopes of pushing away before you can be hurt? With each little piece of me I allow him to see, the puzzle becomes more and more whole. Most of the center pieces still hide under the mess in the box, but he is sorting the pieces out at his own pace. A corner piece here, a bright yellow frog there. The things that stick out, that are easy to find are out there already. The pieces that look alike but fit on different sides of the table will confuse him - or maybe he’ll get lucky and fit them together correctly on the first try.

and older (12/10)
alone
lonely
scared with no one to talk to
panic sets in
panic that I’m manic
fear that the restlessness
the agitation
the racing brain
the tears
won’t ever stop
rocking back and forth comforts me
does this make me crazy?
my body is exhausted, 4 hours of sleep … in 25 hours
my mind, however, races
races without clarity
goalless and frantic

I miss him. I will not call though. I will not text. I will not bother.

denial anger bargain
ing depression accept
ance denialangerbargain
ingdepressionacceptance

the rocking
strong capable woman
do strong capable women have moments of such intense panic and ear that they sit, drenched in tears, rocking, in a strangers bed?

I rock a little more now. I can hear my sweatshirt scrape the bedspread when I don’t write.

anger
denial
bargaining
depression
acceptance

I do not miss him. I miss the comfort of him. I miss the love from him.

cannot sleep
rocking
wanting to pace the brightly lit aisles at Target to be drunk on the colors of laundry soap boxes

My back tenses - coiled - waiting like a snake. My brain rushes, water swirling counter-clockwise down the drain of my neck to nowhere.

Where to find calm? What slows this down? What mellows me out? Where do I go from here?

The rocking has ceased.
Spelling, punctuation, penmanship have fallen down. Does it matter?
Barren, these pages are barren.
White, clean, new, uncluttered; the antithesis of my brain.

Projection.
Rejection.

I breathed him.
I lost my breath.
Under water
under pressure
and I have no oxygen

Your absense has gone through me like a thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with it’s color. Seperation

My ears buzz…I feel the sound of blood pumping through them. I have decided whether it’s annoying or comforting.

Yay for Thursdays!

I’ve always been a dreamer, and so I’ve had some pretty lofty goals in life. I figured I could write down 13 of them this week in order to put some in concrete.

13 Life Goals
1. become a doctor - this may not ever be a medical doctor, but I want to have my Ph.D. and be Dr.Gee one day
2. get married - I did this once and it didn’t quite work out the way that I wanted it to, so I hope to try again
3. give birth naturally - my mom did it twice, my gramma (hero!) did it eight times, my great gramma did it 14 times, I can do it, too!
4. visit every continent on the Earth - I think this would be fantastically cool!
5. have some of my fiction writing published - and not on my blog! LOL
6. have a photograph published somewhere - this means I’m famous! bwahaha : )
7. own a house and have a red room
8. hold my own in five languages - right now I have two … I can handle another three!
9. get another tattoo that means something to me
10. run a marathon - yay! I can do about five miles now … only need to add 21 more to that!
11. read all of Margaret Atwood’s books - she is among the top five of my favorite authors and so I figure I need to do this
12. hand make every single Christmas gift I give at least once
13. write my life story to give to my children

How about that LOST finale? Kicked ass, ‘eh? I LOVED it. LOVED. IT.

Moving on to scarier things.

I’m almost 25 (as of next Tuesday), divorced and unemployed.
Granted I’m going back to school in September but I feel worthless.
Honestly, it’s that sad and scary to me.
I feel like I have nothing going for me right now.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.
I have been taking my medication like I should be, but I’m still feeling like a lump of ass.
I have lost all motivation to do anything.
It takes me forever to shower, if I even do so.
I just don’t care anymore.
I hate not caring.
I hate who I’m becoming.
I don’t know how to stop turning into this thing.
I feel stuck.
Stuck in asstastic lumpishness.
Even making lists isn’t working for me … I ignore them.
I never used to ignore my lists … and it makes me want to cry thinking about the fact that I’m ignoring lists now.

Help?

a list to ignore
Thursday
email H (PR) back
call C (PR) to schedule meeting
email SonE thank you note (don’t think the other one got to her)
call Dr. Morrisse … hope dental cleaning before Thursday - get my teeth cleaned on my birthday, whee! fun!

Friday
1pm - interview with law firm
5pm - meet J (potential roommate … PR)
6pm - possible date with Mr.E.

Saturday
1pm - meet C and N (PRs)
out in the evening with MissBean and Mr.E.

Sunday

Monday
11am - meet with K (PR)
dinner with parents

Tuesday
3pm - teeth cleaning
dinner at Rogue for free beer

Would you mind taking a survey for me? Please take my Blog Reader Project survey. Please?

I woke up at the ass crack of dawn spewing forth Tropical Dots and butter pretzels into the white porcelin bowl of the bathroom. It was not pleasant and I feel like ass now. (Do you know how ass feels? Reach back there and feel yours … I probably feel worse that whatever you’re feeling.) I had to call my mom (since I didn’t have my dad’s cell phone number) at 7am and tell her; “mama, I’ve been barfin’” where she promptly told me my dad’s cell phone number. In a migraine drug haze (”those four numbers don’t make sense, mom” ) I asked her to call him. It’s no wonder I don’t have a job. This depresses me. Seriously.

I’m almost 25 (as of next Tuesday), divorced and unemployed. Granted I’m going back to school in September but I feel worthless. Honestly, it’s that sad and scary to me. I feel like I have nothing going for me right now. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I have been taking my medication like I should be, but I’m still feeling like a lump of ass. I have lost all motivation to do anything. It takes me forever to shower, if I even do so. I just don’t care anymore. I hate not caring. I hate who I’m becoming. I don’t know how to stop turning into this thing. I feel stuck. Stuck in asstastic lumpishness. Even making lists isn’t working for me … I ignore them. I never used to ignore my lists … and it makes me want to cry thinking about the fact that I’m ignoring lists now. Help?